Swallowed in the sea

I'm in an incredibly good and optimistic mood right now.

I can't pinpoint the source of my optimism. There is a lot of good in my life and today I'm just feeling that pretty strongly. I wrote in my offline journal today for the first time in about two months and it felt great. Ended up writing over three pages, which is abnormal for me. When I'm updating frequently, my journal entries are short. I feel like so much of my bright mood right now is because of Sarah. We spent the last few days/nights together and it was wonderful. Saturday she came along to our performance at Bamboozle. She hasn't seen us play in quite a long time, so it meant a lot to have her at such an important show for us. One of my favorite things about Sarah is how amazing she makes me feel about myself. She's always dolling out compliments about how attractive she finds me and how I help her stay on the ground when she feels like she's losing her grip. I love hearing those things. Hearing her say them always makes me smile like an idiot. We're gearing up for an even longer period of time away from eachother since this next tour is almost two months long. She doesn't seem worried, and I'm certainly not. It was hard to be away from her for so long the last time, but our relationship is strong already. She showed no signs of wavering, and so I'm confident in this one, and the next, and the next.

I confronted my usual source of stress (money) head on and I feel a little better about it. Writing things down, making lists, organizing the already organized... those things always help me feel like I'm in control. Even though sometimes being in control for me doesn't mean I'm where I'd like to be, at least I know that whatever is happening is a direct result of actions I've taken. I'm a bit of a control freak, I guess, and I like it that way. With the band, I've lost control of so much since we got signed that I think I need to latch onto whatever I can and hold on for dear life. We have a tour manager now who is pretty competent. He handles the money, which is scary for me. When I handle the money, I know where it's coming from, where it's going, and how much (or how little) we have left. At least then I can ration it out and know what we need to do. Now, I feel like a fish out of water. I'm trying to come up with ideas of how to be more involved without stepping on toes.

I've begun studying for that dreaded massage therapy board exam again. I've promised myself year after year after year that it would be different and yet I never pass or even get around to taking it. I want to say "this is the year... I'm going to study and I'm going to pass," but I've proven myself wrong so many times that I don't even want to say it now. The books that I've shoved into my brain time and time again sit mockingly on my bookshelf and the student loan payment that I make month after month are just too much. I can't handle knowing that I put so much money and time and stress and emotion into something that still hasn't paid off in any sense other than that I can give Sarah a wonderful massage every now and then. As happy as it makes me when she tells me she loves my hands, I need more. I'm passionate about massage therapy and the importance it has in turning things around a little bit today. Healthcare is increasingly focused on pills and reactive treatments as opposed to leading a healthy lifestyle and more natural solutions. I want to be a part of that, whether the band is successful or not. So, onward I march.

I suppose that's all for now. I miss writing so often, but time to write is so limited. Hopefully I can squeeze in some time here and there.